Walking with the Voices

Every time I meet with him, I marvel at his gentle spirit and endurance; and, I see in his eyes the fatigue of managing to cope with the voices. Despite the medication, the voices do not stop.

His deepest wish--every moment of his existence--is for the voices to stop. They speak day and night. They use swear words. He does not. He says, "They use God's name in vain. They shouldn't do that." He would never verbalize using God's name in vain; he loves God even with the voices that never go away.

He wonders outloud why the voices are in his head. Then he looks at me and asks, "You know I'm mentally ill, right?" I respond I know he struggles with the voices; but I also know he is the bravest, strongest, and compassionate man I know. I'm not lying. He is. I tell him no matter what the voices say, he is a good man.

The most important people in his life are his family. He lives on his own--his family makes sure he is a part of the activities they enjoy. He loves to fish Walleye. I acknowledge Walleye are my favorite fish to eat, and he smiles with "they are good."

He would like to learn how to ride horses despite the tinge of fear of being on top of an animal. He muses he knows how to drive his truck, but not sure about how to drive a horse. "I'd like to learn anyway," he says, "I like horses." I share I like horses too. My Mom raised Arabians when I was a child. He responds with a warm smile, "you know why I like horses?" I respond I think so. He says, "Because they seem free." I wonder to myself if he imagines they don't have to listen to voices.

This man has a part-time job. He wants to add more employment hours to his week. He has all the same desires to have enough money to meet his needs and wants. His real wish is to be a part of the community just like everyone else. His quiet demeanor does not let on he struggles with the voices. There are only a few moments, that for a time, he can be distracted enough not to hear them.

I have tried to imagine what it is like to never hear the quiet of night time; the hush while sitting in a church pew during silent prayer; to hear just the rustle of the wind in creation. I cannot imagine trying to go to sleep with the inability to block incessant voices in my head. For him, the voices continue even in his efforts to go to sleep. He tells me he has to be completely fatigued to get them to fade enough for sleeping.

I share this story with you to give you a chance to imagine what it is like to have schizophrenia. I write this to elicit a sense of compassion rather than fear of a mental illness that affects most often individuals in early adulthood or late adolescence. Onset often is seen among those with high IQ's and during their early college years. Some at later onset.

Modern medications have offered for most the ability to calm if not dissipate completely the voices in their consciousness. I suspect you would be surprised to discover some are among your co-workers, high-achieving individuals with well-qualified reputations.

I worked with a man who was an electrical engineer for ten years with a major corporation before the disease overtook him. Finally, he trusted the Rx's enough to bring him back to become able to take on a new position successfully.

The intention of this piece to create an awareness and compassion. I encourage you to change your perception of someone with schizophrenia from someone you fear to someone to embrace as a member of the community living life with all the same opportunities as you and I. Recognize the abilities and negate the negative stereotype that has followed someone with this diagnosis. Remember, everyday this person walks his journey with courage, determination, and the wish to be accepted.

From the Peace Pilgrim is this encouragement, "From all the things you read and from the people you meet, take what is good---" See the good in the individual who walks their journey with schizophrenia.